Back-and-forth Game -Mr. Moon Assignment

I was crying uncontrollably. I was surrounded by aliens. There were creatures with blue and green eyes, and red and blonde hair, completely different from the brown-eyed and black-haired people I was so used to. They were calling out to me in a strange language that I could not understand and I wanted desperately to go home and back to safety…That was my view of American preschool. As a four-year-old starting preschool in America, I was petrified. Unfortunately, this situation occurred quite often in my lifetime. I moved back and forth between Korea and America, constantly forced to face two completely different environments and adapt accordingly. For me, it was a nightmare. Just as I was feeling like I belonged, our family moved back either to Korea or America. Life has always been like this – back and forth, back and forth, never staying in one place for too long. I longed for a sense of belonging, and I guess that was the game of my life – to live a life in two countries and find somewhere I belong.

I hated my back-and-forth life. It was like a rocking horse, moving from here to there, here to there. I had to go through the same routine every time. I am plunged into a completely new environment in a different country. I try my hardest to fit in. I study twice as hard to receive better grades than my peers and boldly approach strangers to make friends. However, just as I am getting used to life, I move and am faced with another completely different environment in a new country. As hard as I tried, I always felt like an outsider. I felt different from the rest my peers. It was a feeling deep inside that I could not easily explain. I was too Korean to be American and too American to be Korean. I did not know who I was or where I belonged. I resented this life that was making me an outsider and harbored a grudge against my father’s job that caused our family to move from country to country. I moved back and forth into two completely different cultures of America and Korea, starting my life over and over again. It was a tiring and difficult game with many obstacles, but I had to play it nevertheless.

I decided to change my strategy of playing the game. I soon realized that it was futile to lament something that was never going to change just like the steady rocking of the rocking horse is never going to change. Therefore, although it was difficult at times, I tried to look at my life in a more positive light, and suddenly, my life was not so bad anymore. I could see myself beginning to adapt to both worlds at a rapider pace and, little by little, gained confidence in myself. Then, as subtly as a bruise appears, I was a changed person. I became a person that does not give up easily during hardships, a person that fluently speaks both Korean and English, and a person who could understand both Korean and American culture. All of my merits are results of the back-and-forth game I played. I realized that I could belong in both worlds as a Korean in America and an Americanized Korean in Korea. Right now, I am setting my roots in Korea in Korean Minjok Leadership Academy, so I can present myself as a proud Korean when I become someone who will have, not only Korea, but the world as her stage. I now know that playing this difficult game subtly and elegantly shaped me into the character I am today.

I did not choose to play this game of life, but in the end, I found what I wanted. I found that, with my roots in Korean nationality, I could belong anywhere. I now do not think myself as an outsider, but a person who was lucky enough to experience two countries to a great extent. This game was as unchanging and steady as a child’s rocking horse and was subtle as a bruise in shaping who I am. Now, knowing what I know, if I was back at that preschool as a little four-year-old girl, instead of crying uncontrollably, I would probably have a bright sunny smile on my face.